I wrote this a few weeks ago when I was in an odd place in my head. I thought it might be a good way to start my journey into online journalling. There will always be a wall between me and the rest of the world. A large brick wall without any windows or doors. It is my protection against everything and everyone. It is my saviour when I am in pain. I built this wall with my own two hands, brick by brick and hurt by hurt. Every time I was in pain or hurting I would slap on another row of bricks to save me. The first layers were brought on by the cruel taunting of youth. After that comes the layers felt through years of abandonment and uncaring. A mother who just seemed to forget I was there along with a step-father who I would never be good enough for, and a non-existant father. An ever growing succession of boyfriends who played with my feelings and tossed me aside after a week. A friend's father who put his hands where they didn't belong. Don't get me wrong not everything is everyone else's fault. There are layers I built up myself for not working hard enough and always pushing myself for perfection. Also layers from a husband who didn't defend me when I needed it most and a mother-in-law who accused me of abuse hurt me to the core. Husband, angry and bitter, always wanting more than I could give. I push all my feelings behind the wall, lock them there to save myself from pain. Who needs feelings anyway? You can't have happiness without hurt. I don't necessarily want my wall surrounding me. I would like to be able to send it tumbling down, crashing to the ground in a cloud of dust. But every time I test the waters and take a layer away I end up needing to add three more. So this is it. My goodbye to feelings. If anyone out there wants me to care you are going to have to work at it and make me WANT to feel again. But I warn youm if you hurt me there will be no turning back from the place I go next time. Wow, I realised as I was typing that out it's quite depressing. But it's true. Feelings can suck and they can be great. I guess that's the chance you take in life, right?

<= Has his emotional sledge hammer and is going to town on the wall! So be prepared.

Wow, that's some pretty heavy emo. Cheer up a bit, huh? And try being nice to people.

stuff passes n youll look back n realise your ex mother in law was a nasty cow n it wouldnt have mattered WHAT you did she still woulda hated you.
as fer cuchas: shes ALWAYS nice to people. Thats why people shit on her :/ bastards.