Okay, so the wall came down for a little while but as usual the wall needed to return. I love my wall. I don't think I shall ever part with it again. It is a safe haven for me. Safe is always good right?

Fuck you, Fuck me, Fuck everything!

As I sit here in my room at 3am I find myself thinking about life, love and relationships. Of these things I'm constantly reminded of the fact that I am always doing or saying something to mess up my relationships. Whether they be friendships or more than that. I am consistantly ruining things for myself. It makes me wonder if I should stop trying to find happiness and comfort in people. I am perfectly happy with myself the way that I am, though I don't like my need for humanity. I need people around me to be happy. I will do pretty much anything in my power to keep my friends happy and living life to he fullest. I sit here 5 months into my newest relationship of substance and wonder what I will do this time to fuck it up. What horrible thing I will say or do to make him hate me as others do. He says that this isn't anything to worry about but he doesn't know me like I do. He hasn't been in my head or body when I've done the stupid things that I do. Oh yes, I am admitting that I do stupid things. I have never said I am perfect, nor will I ever. I am only human after all. Though I know the inevitable is lurking somewhere out there in the future I am giving this my all. Afterall, what in life is worth having that is just handed to you? Having to work and strive for something makes it all that much more enjoyable and worthwhile.

 

Okay, I'm done for today I think. Brain has stopped thinking properly. Again, if anyone actually reads this.....inevitable fuckwittage? or not?

No, it's not what you are thinking....I'm talking about the fact that whenever I go out drinking with anyone I always end up being the one to take care of everyone. So, I go and pick Matty up from work tonight because we want to play some pool. I figure it's been about a month so I'm up for it, even though it means walking to Dooly's. We walk in the door and some completely random person knows that my toque is Emily the Strange and I think "hey that's cool" anyway we go to get some balls and drinks and since the drinks are taking a while Matty walks over to the girl from the way in. I walk over once I've gotten the drinks and she introduces herself "Hi, I'm Charity" WHAT THE FUCK! How completely random it that! Long story short Matty had to show off, had lots of drinks, lost 40 bucks ("to a brown guy"), and I had to take care of yet another drunken guy. Not saying I didn't have a fun night but why is it that I am either the sober one or the one who cares enough to take care of the drunk ones? It's not fair I want to be able to get drunk and not worry for once! HELP!?!!? DAYUM it's 6 am! Fuck I need sleep.....damn you Matty.............

Ok, I know I typically only bitch on here but I PROMISE in the new year I will try to make my posts a little more joyous. So, today was Christmas and what did I do? Let's see what have I done every year since I started working for Blockbuster (with the exception of last year's hospital incident) I WORKED. I hate working on the holidays. I don't understand where family togetherness has gone. Why rent a movie when you could be spending time with your loved ones? Hell, Tim Hortons wasn't even open nor was McDonalds, why do people need to rent movies on the ONE day a year that is meant for family!!!
I remember Christmases as a child were joyous events of presents, family, religion and love. Nowadays it's just another day to most people and this depresses me greatly. Putting aside the big "let's spend lots of money that we don't have" side there's nothing TO Christmas anymore. Honestly, how many people went and spent time, and I mean ACTUAL time not in front of a TV, with family today. Or went to Church for that matter. *sigh I guess the world is just changing too much for me. But is it too much to ask for? A little love and family and good cheer? Come on people, you only get one family enjoy and cherish them!

Well it's ALMOST Christmas again and normally by this time I would be flipping out because I haven't bought any gifts for anyone else. This year is a different story thouhg. I am forgoing Christmas due to the self-indulgent need for some fun. I am instead spending my money on myself this year and taking a trip to visit friends in the NY and NJ areas, that is of course providing I have saved up enough to afford the trip. Ever since a few of the people I play FFXI with came up to Canada to visit me I have wanted to go visit them in their natural environment. It should be a blast and seeing as it will be the last self-indulgent thing I can do for quite some time (stupid debt repayment) I am doing everything I can to be able to go. Although I am torn between going and spending time with friends and spending time with my Greg. I think though that since Greg understands that I need to go and have some fun I will end up going on my trip. There's one other thing weighing on my mind as I try to plan my holidays. That is spending too much time with someone who takes my friendship the wrong way. He refuses to understand that I am with someone I love and care about very much. I don't want to give this person the wrong idea and cause more problems than I already have. I also don't want to lose this person as a friend but I am at my wits end here. Anyone have any ideas on how to be able to hang out with my friends and not give this person the wrong idea?

Ok, I know I'm bad. I knew I wouldn't keep on top of this thinig like I wanted to when I started it but oh well at least I'm remembering to to it at SOME point.

So, this past weekend was my yearly family get-together. I decided that I wanted to bring Greg with me to it and see how the poor bugger could cope with my family (we're all a little crazy). When we got there I could feel the stress coming already, damn I love family. Walked through the door and my Aunt Judy grabbed me and hugged me and that made things okay. I introduced Greg around the family (I still don't know how he kept everyone's name right, I can't even do it half the time) and as usual one of the first things I am bombarded with is "You've lost alot of weight". Now, I have never been an over-weight person or an extremely skinny person but the fact that I am told this EVERY year concerns me a little. Finally everyone has arrived and it's time to get down to the eating. Mmmmmmm turkey, although I was expecting/hoping for the usual mishmash of German foods that are usually there. Sat around and talked and laughed and got to know some family again, seeing as I haven't really seen most of them since my Grandmother's funeral a few years ago. I have REALLY missed being able to see family when I want to.

After we left, Greg and I went and did another tradition....the St. Thomas light display in Pinafore Park. I don't remember it being that cheesy when I was growing up but it was still fun. Watched a movie and bummed around with my Mom and Mark for a bit before going to bed. As Greg was leaving in the morning he thanked me for a good time. I got a little mushy about that because I haven't really ever had anyone actually ENJOY being around my family before.

So, I'm standing at the London bus station waiting for my bus back home and I look over and my old friend from high schoo is standing there waiting for the same bus. Did the whole freak out "OMG what have you been up to...blah blah blah" and I found out that she's living in my city. Talk about a major coincidence. All in all I would have to qualify this as one of the best weekends I have had in a while.

So, I get home from work and check my bank account to realise it's not pay day yet and I'm broke as usual. This makes me wonder how those people out there can live on shitty jobs like mine. I work 40 hours a week and get paid fairly well (I think) and I still don't have enough money to go to a movie if I want. This doesn't seem right. How does everyone do it? I don't even have half the bills that everyone else does and I'm still broke as hell. Go figure. I guess it's time to upgrade skills and find a better job. The only problem with that is the fact that in order to upgrade my skill I would have to a)work less and b)pay for the courses. Which causes the ever wonderful vicious cycle of I DONT HAVE NO MONEY! *sigh

I guess things COULD be worse. I do have a job after all and it's not like I'm starving to death, right? I would just like to put the question out there of if I have such troubles making ends meet on the money I make how the HELL do others do it and why doesn't the government do anything about this. I mean, I could afford to get myself an apartment if I tried!

Ok, enough bitching for one day.

I wrote this a few weeks ago when I was in an odd place in my head. I thought it might be a good way to start my journey into online journalling.

There will always be a wall between me and the rest of the world. A large brick wall without any windows or doors. It is my protection against everything and everyone. It is my saviour when I am in pain. I built this wall with my own two hands, brick by brick and hurt by hurt. Every time I was in pain or hurting I would slap on another row of bricks to save me. The first layers were brought on by the cruel taunting of youth. After that comes the layers felt through years of abandonment and uncaring. A mother who just seemed to forget I was there along with a step-father who I would never be good enough for, and a non-existant father. An ever growing succession of boyfriends who played with my feelings and tossed me aside after a week. A friend's father who put his hands where they didn't belong. Don't get me wrong not everything is everyone else's fault. There are layers I built up myself for not working hard enough and always pushing myself for perfection. Also layers from a husband who didn't defend me when I needed it most and a mother-in-law who accused me of abuse hurt me to the core. Husband, angry and bitter, always wanting more than I could give. I push all my feelings behind the wall, lock them there to save myself from pain. Who needs feelings anyway? You can't have happiness without hurt. I don't necessarily want my wall surrounding me. I would like to be able to send it tumbling down, crashing to the ground in a cloud of dust. But every time I test the waters and take a layer away I end up needing to add three more. So this is it. My goodbye to feelings. If anyone out there wants me to care you are going to have to work at it and make me WANT to feel again. But I warn youm if you hurt me there will be no turning back from the place I go next time.

Wow, I realised as I was typing that out it's quite depressing. But it's true. Feelings can suck and they can be great. I guess that's the chance you take in life, right?